


Losing Bets

by akorah



Series: Ridiculous One-Shots [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Co-workers, Gen, HP: EWE, Headmistress Hermione Granger, Hogwarts, Humor, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 05:45:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11178297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akorah/pseuds/akorah
Summary: Unfortunately for the students and staff of Hogwarts, Headmistress Granger made a bet with Professor Malfoy and lost. Now, all of the staff members at Hogwarts (freed house-elves excepted) are members of Hermione & Draco's own graduating class. If only Ernie Macmillan hadn't been the only person to apply for the Ancient Runes position....A series of conversations between Headmistress Granger and various members of her staff. Dialogue only. One-shot.





	Losing Bets

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling (as far as I'm aware), therefore these are not my characters.

**_Monday, August 26th - Harry Potter, Defence Against the Dark Arts & Deputy Headmaster_ **

“I have one question for you, Hermione Granger. _What the hell were you thinking?_ ”

“Well, Professor Potter. As you well know, we were in dire need of filling a few positions this year and after serious deliberation, I decided these were the best candidates for the roles.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Come on, Hermione. You know what I’m asking. For someone who takes education so seriously, how could you possibly think hiring— _them_ —was even remotely intelligent? I rarely question your judgment, but I’m half-convinced there was a bottle of firewhisky involved.”

“Harry...just trust me.”

“If this year turns out half as horribly as I’m expecting, I’m tendering my resignation at Christmas and returning to the Ministry.”

“Honestly, Harry. Don’t be so melodramatic. It’ll be fine.”

“Famous last words, Hermione.”

**oOo**

**_Friday, August 30 th \- Terry Boot, Arithmancy & Head of Ravenclaw_ **

“Honestly, Terry, if you would just give Professor Macmillan a chance—”

“I spent EIGHT YEARS sharing a dormitory with that tosser and I refuse to have him interfering with my lesson plans! ‘Professor Macmillan’ my arse, Granger. He’s more like Professor McMenace, and if he steps foot in my office one more time, I’m going to have Longbottom _accidentally_ re-pot an immature Mandrake whilst Ernie is in the room!”

“Firstly, Professor Boot, if I hear a single student call Ernie Macmillan ‘Professor McMenace’, I will dock points from Ravenclaw.”

“What if it’s a Gryffindor?”

“I repeat, I will dock points from _your_ House. Secondly, I acquiesce that Professor Macmillan needs to be more concerned with his own subject and less concerned with yours, and I will address the matter forthwith. Finally, if Neville ‘accidentally’ re-pots a Mandrake in front of Professor Macmillan, please give me appropriate notice so I can watch.”

**_Later that afternoon - Ernie Macmillan, Ancient Runes_ **

“Professor Macmillan, it has come to my attention that you have been, er, _assisting_ the other professors with their curriculums for the upcoming year—”

“Quite right, you are, Headmistress. I find that a little extra insight is never amiss.”

“Right. Well, then, er—it’s just that most of the professors—all of them, actually, save you and one other—have finalized their lesson plans and are no longer looking for ‘extra insight’.”

“Forgive me for saying this, Headmistress, but I’m not quite sure that the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum is ‘finalized’, as you said. Of course, considering the professor, it’s hardly surprising—”

“Professor Weasley is quite competent and able to determine the content of his classes. His elder brother has already provided him with significant assistance in the field.”

“Would that be the dragon-training brother? Didn’t he lose two fingers to a Common Welsh Green last winter?”

“No.”

“I distinctly remember seeing a blurb about it in the _Prophet_. It was around January twentieth, I believe.”

“It wasn’t a Common Welsh Green...it was a Norwegian Ridgeback. Named Norberta.”

“Unfortunate name, that. What kind of idiot—”

“Professor Macmillan, I do believe we’ve digressed from the point of this conference. The fact of the matter is, I need you to focus on finalizing the curriculum for Ancient Runes. I expect the full curriculum on my desk by end of breakfast on Sunday morning.”

“But Headmistress—”

“You are dismissed, Professor. I will see you on Sunday.”

**_Five minutes later - the portrait of Albus Dumbledore_ **

“Professor Dumbledore, I hope you know that this is all your fault.”

“My dear Miss Granger, I believe _you_ are the one who insisted that Slytherin would never win the House Cup under your tenure. I merely suggested that you and Professor Malfoy make a wager.”

“And it will be the last time I ever listen to a portrait.”

“I must say, I’m quite pleased that you held up your end of the bargain and filled the remaining positions with classmates from your own year.”

“If this gets any worse, I’m tendering my resignation alongside Harry.”

“Oh, no, that won’t do at all, Miss Granger. _You_ made your bed, as they say. Now you must lie in it. Speaking of which, how many of your new faculty members are aware of your romantic entanglement with the Potions Master?”

“Professor Black is already aware that I can blindfold the inhabitants of portraits. Don’t tempt me to blindfold you and stuff your ears with cotton while I’m at it.”

“I do believe you will finally learn the greatest lesson of all through this experience, Miss Granger.”

“Which is?”

“Never bet against Albus Dumbledore.”

**oOo**

**_Sunday, September 1st - Lavender Brown, Divination_ **

“Might I see your cup, Hermione?”

“No.”

“Oh, don’t be a spoilsport. Understanding your tea leaves is nearly as important as drinking the tea itself.”

“Lavender....”

“Just because you don’t believe in the Inner Eye doesn’t mean the Inner Eye doesn’t believe in you.”

“Was that supposed to be profound in some way? No—Lavender! I already said no! Leave it—put my cup down!”

“Oh, this is very interesting. Yes, indeed. I see conflict in your future, but it seems to be stemming from your professional relationships. You need to be careful when dealing with this conflict. Any rash decisions may result in dramatic changes in both your personal and professional life.”

“Thank you for that utterly generic and unhelpful insight. Was there a point to your interruption? I have actual work to do.”

“In fact, there was. My own tea leaves this morning revealed to me—”

“ _GRANGER_!”

“Oh, thank God. Yes, Draco? What can I do for you? Lavender was just leaving.”

**oOo**

**_Monday, September 2nd - Draco Malfoy, Potions & Head of Slytherin_ **

“Granger, tell McMenace to stay out of my classroom! I almost had a first year melt his cauldron because the bastard suggested adding scarab beetles to a Floating Draught! Don’t sigh at me! He’s trying to sabotage my students!”

“I’m not sighing at you, Draco. I’m sighing because I _told_ Terry not to use that nickname.”

“Blast the nickname! That man is going to kill my students!”

“Draco, don’t you think you’re being a little over-dramatic?”

“Granger. If he makes any similar suggestions to my seventh-years, the classroom might literally explode, and I will NOT write to Mrs. Crabtree to explain why her son died under destruction not seen since the Battle of Hogwarts!”

“Technically, that duty would fall to me.”

“Are you seriously making light of this?”

“What else can I do, Draco? I had complaints from Terry, Zabini, and Ron before term even started. I fully expect to hear from Susan before week’s end, and I know the only reason Harry hasn’t yet said anything is because he’s capable of handling the situation himself.”

“Are you insinuating that I can’t handle McMenace myself? Because you _know_ I can hex him into next Tuesday.”

“I know, but then I would need to find someone to cover his classes.”

“There happens to be a very over-qualified headmistress who could substitute if the need arises.”

“Draco, if this is your idea of sweet-talking me into allowing you to hex Professor Macmillan, you’re going to be disappointed.”

“I’m sure I could make a convincing argument. Maybe after curfew, in the library?”

“That’s not fair.”

“There’s this little alcove in the Restricted Section....”

“I am not going to let you hex Ernie! Might I remind you that hiring him was YOUR idea?”

“I said to hire new faculty members from within our year. It’s not my fault that he was the only one who applied for Runes. Now let me hex him!”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because Neville and Terry already have first dibs.”

**oOo**

**_Tuesday, September 3rd - Susan Bones, Matron_ **

“Hermione, I am so sorry to intrude, but we have a bit of a situation.”

“Let me guess. Professor Macmillan succeeded in blowing up the Potions classroom and Professor Malfoy killed him?”

“No. Actually, Mr. Finnigan and Professor Weasley were opening something George sent them—”

“And Seamus managed to set it on fire?”

“Yes.”

“How many students are in the infirmary, Susan?”

“Four. I’ve already seen to their burns, and one had a shattered elbow from stopping, dropping, and rolling down a flight of stairs.”

“And where are Seamus and Ron?”

“From what I heard, the deputy headmaster pulled them into a nearby classroom by their ears after putting out the fireworks.”

“God bless Harry. Thank you, Susan. If you could provide me the names of the students, I will inform the appropriate Heads of the injuries if Harry hasn’t done it yet.”

“ _GRANGER_!”

“Oh hell. Susan, you’re free to go. I’ll come by the infirmary momentarily. Yes, Professor Malfoy?”

“Bones—you stay. Can one of you tell me why one of my first-years is in the Hospital Wing with third degree burns?”

“Susan, please take your leave—”

“Bones, stay!”

“Draco! She has patients to attend!”

“That’s exactly my point! I was putting up my final wards against McMenace when one of the fifth-years came running and said there’d been an accident involving MY student, Finnigan, Weasel, and a box of explosives.”

“Susan, can you please have Harry round up the Heads and send them to my office?”

“Granger—”

“ _Silencio_. Please, Susan.”

“Absolutely, Hermione. I’ll be in the infirmary if you need me.”

“I never thought there’d be a day when I’d miss Mr. Filch. This is the last time I make a bet with you, Draco. Don’t give me that look. Oh, classy. Do that one more time and I’ll take points from Slytherin.”

**oOo**

**_Wednesday, September 4th - Dean Thomas, flying instructor_ **

“Hermione!”

“I swear on _Hogwarts, A History_ I am going to change the password to this office. Oh, don’t look so smug, Professor Dumbledore. Yes, Dean?”

“Look, Hermione. We’ve been friends a long time and I respect you. I truly respect you and I know you’ve always got a reason behind everything you do—”

“Spit it out, Dean.”

“Why did you hire Ernie Macmillan?”

“What did he do now?”

“He told my first-years how Harry made Seeker by saving Neville’s Remembrall and next thing I knew, I had eighteen eleven-year-olds with no flying experience battling it out ten feet above the ground.”

“Any injuries?”

“A broken wrist, two sprained ankles, a dislocated shoulder, and various cuts and bruises, all totaling about twelve of the students. I swear, Hermione, these kids get themselves in enough trouble without having someone like McMenace wreaking havoc.”

“Malfoy’s already warded his classroom, his private quarters, and the Slytherin common room so Ernie can’t enter them. Come to think of it, he’s probably done the same for Seamus and Ron after the incident yesterday.”

“I heard about that. So between yesterday and today, how many students have we put in the Hospital Wing?”

“Adding in the twelve from your class? Twenty-one. Four from the Seamus and Ron incident, two third-years who tried out a jinx suggested by Malcolm Martindove—he’s the seventh-year Ravenclaw with the weird nose—and three sixth-years who passed out from the fumes during Divination.”

“Is that why there’s black stones in the Ravenclaw hourglass?”

“Zabini and Nott helped me figure out a method for calculating negative House points.”

“They aren’t actually in the negatives, are they? How did that even happen?”

“Terry.”

“Uh-huh. Well, do you need anything, Hermione?”

“ _GRANGER_!”

“A Time-Turner and a bottle of firewhisky. WHAT, Draco?”

**oOo**

**_Thursday, September 5th - Ronald Weasley, Care of Magical Creatures_ **

“’Mione....”

“Don’t ‘’Mione’ me, Ronald. I’m still upset over the _Muggle_ fireworks situation in the Entrance Hall.”

“You know that was an accident.”

“An accident which put four students in the Hospital Wing!”

“Well, I don’t see you yelling at Seamus.”

“That’s because I can’t face him with his eyebrows missing. Once they’ve grown back in, I’m giving both of you detention.”

“You can’t do that! I’m a professor! What kind of example would that set for the students?”

“It would illustrate to them that NO ONE is above the rules, including members of the staff!”

“Says the headmistress sleeping with the Potions Master.”

“You know the board of governors is aware of the situation with Draco.”

“I know it’s why they insisted on Harry being deputy headmaster since he’ll keep Malfoy in check.”

“Regardless. My personal life is not up for discussion. What do you want, Ron?”

“So, Seamus, Goyle, and I were talking—”

“Hold on. You and Seamus had a discussion with Gregory Goyle? Willingly?”

“More or less. Anyway, do you know how we can get in touch with Hagrid?”

“Why?”

“Why do you look so suspicious? Come on, ‘Mione, I just...want some advice for my class. Okay, stop looking at me like that. You’re starting to scare me. ...Hermione? Er—whatcha thinking about?”

“You want to breed Blast-Ended Skrewts, don’t you? That’s why you want to get in touch with Hagrid.”

“Bloody hell. How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

“Because Seamus is a pyromaniac, you teach Care of Magical Creatures, and Goyle is the only person thick enough to agree to help you take care of them. Plus Goyle would have room for them at the groundskeeper’s cottage, since that’s where Hagrid kept them the first time.”

“By that reasoning, I could be looking for dragons!”

“And for that, you would talk to Charlie. You are absolutely, under no circumstances, allowed to breed those monsters.”

“But ‘Mione....”

“No. And that is my final answer, so if you’ll—”

“ _GRANGER_!”

“I swear to God, I am going to break up with that man. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT NOW, MALFOY?”

**oOo**

**_Friday, September 6th - Daphne Greengrass, librarian_ **

“Headmistress? May I borrow you for a moment?”

“Daphne! Absolutely! How are you, love? I’m sorry I haven’t had a moment to stop into the library and say hello.”

“That’s quite alright, although you and Malfoy did trip a couple of my wards Monday night. It’s okay! I didn’t see anything. I mean, not anything I would ever tell anyone.... Sorry, Headmistress, I didn’t mean to talk to you about that. It’s actually about Professor Macmillan.”

“What did he do now?”

“Well, he seems to have this new idea for cataloguing—”

“NO. Absolutely not. Full stop.”

“That’s what I told him, but then I had a couple of third-years come up to me, asking where the books on Krups went and when I led them over to the section, it was completely rearranged.”

“Unacceptable. Professor Snape, can you please visit your other portrait to see if Professor Malfoy is available to come here?”

“If you insist, Miss Granger.”

“Daphne, can you please go get Professor Nott and send him up here?”

“Right away, Headmistress.”

**_Twenty minutes later - Draco Malfoy and Theodore Nott, Charms_ **

“I’m not convinced putting up wards to prevent him from entering the library is the way to go, Granger.”

“I understand where you’re coming from, Nott, but we cannot have someone arbitrarily changing a cataloguing system that has been in place for centuries. It’s already interfering with the students’ abilities to revise and is completely unacceptable behaviour for an educator.”

“Have you told _him_ that?”

“When’s the last time you talked to McMenace, Nott? Because the last time _I_ talked to the bastard, he was halfway to blowing up my classroom and setting my students on fire, Finnigan-style.”

“I don’t believe I’ve shared three words with Ernie Macmillan in my entire life.”

“... _Lucky_.”

“O-ho! Did Little-Miss-Headmistress really just say that?”

“Shut it, Malfoy.”

“Not a chance, Granger.”

“Are you going to help me ward the library or not?”

“What’s in it for me?”

“The ability to sleep soundly at night.”

“And which _specific_ methods would you be using to ensure I sleep soundly?”

“Do I really need to be here for this? This is starting to sound like some weird kind of foreplay—”

“Sit down, Nott. We need to make a plan.”

“Granger, just talk to the man. Surely you don’t need to go to such extremes to manage your staff.”

“Oooh....”

“Now you’ve done it. Nott, you’d better brace yourself. When Granger gets that look, it means you’re going to regret the day you were born.”

“Nott, I would like you to ask Professor Macmillan for his thoughts on some sort of charm. How about the Levitation Charm? Yes, that would work. The Levitation Charm, excellent. Go find him, and report back to me as soon as possible.”

“Malfoy, why does it feel like your girlfriend is sending me into a trap?”

“That’s called ‘intuition’, my friend.”

**_Two hours later - Theodore Nott_ **

“Granger, where’s your boyfriend?”

“Eating dinner. I take it you talked to Professor Macmillan?”

“Yes, and now I need to know which wards Malfoy put up around his classroom.”

“Because?”

“Because I asked Macmillan his thoughts on the damn charm and he spent the next forty-five minutes criticizing my first-year curriculum. And _then_ he suggested he might drop into my class on Monday ‘just to see how they’re doing’.”

“You know, with the number of classes he’s interrupting, I’m starting to wonder if he shows up for his own classes.”

“So this is like a thing for him? It’s not just Malfoy and me?”

“No, this has been going on for two weeks.”

“Term started on Monday!”

“I’m well aware of that, Professor Nott. Welcome to my life.”

“This reminds me of something, Granger. Do you remember second year?”

“If you’re asking if I remember Professor Lockhart, the answer is I swear on my next bottle of firewhisky that I will never hire another Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. Or anyone, for that matter.”

“Speaking of, why is Ravenclaw still in the negatives?”

“I’ve created a Taboo that whenever the nickname ‘McMenace’ is said, a point is deducted from Ravenclaw. Don’t you _dare_ tell Draco if you like your face the way it is. I don’t need him intentionally taking points off a rival house.”

“See, all you need to do is use that fiery temper of yours. Go after Macmillan with your hair expanding and he’ll run for his life.”

“I’ll take that under advisement.”

“Oh, and before I forget—you would have been a brilliant Slytherin, Granger.”

**oOo**

**_Monday, September 9th - Ernie Macmillan_ **

“You wanted to see me, Headmistress?”

“Professor Macmillan, please take a seat.”

“What can I do for you today? I’m sure you heard about my little project in the library. Madam Greengrass was delighted when I offered to help organize that disaster—”

“Yes, well, see—the problem is, Professor, that the library is already organized in a way that the students are able to efficiently do their research.”

“That’s all well and good, Headmistress, but surely you realize there is always room for optimization. A careful reorganization of the library could cut searching for appropriate titles by thirty percent, which would give students time to write more thorough papers—which, if you ask me, is certainly necessary for some classes. Theo Nott’s fourth-year Charms class, in particular, could use a bit of extra revision based on what I’ve observed—”

“And how are your classes going, Professor?”

“Pardon?”

“Your classes. Ancient Runes? The class I hired you to teach?”

“They’re doing smashingly. In fact, I’m introducing my fifth-years to their first full manuscript, which is my personal translation of _The Iliad_.”

“I see. And how was your class with the third-years this morning?”

“It went quite well.”

“Really? Because when I stopped by to check in and make sure you didn’t need anything, I discovered a room full of chattering thirteen-year-olds without a professor. Care to explain?”

“Well—I—er—I may have stopped by Zabini’s Transfiguration class on the way to my own—“

“His classroom is on the floor above yours.”

“Yes, well—I was quite adept at Transfiguration during school. You might not remember, but I was top of the class for awhile there.”

“I do, actually. Second year, third term, and as I recall, that was the same term during which I was Petrified in the Hospital Wing. Back to the issue at hand, you said that you popped by Zabini’s class on the way to your own?”

“That’s correct.”

“Exactly when did you arrive to teach your third years?”

“I can’t recall the _exact_ time—”

“That’s fascinating, because I can. You never—”

“ _GRANGER_!”

“DAMMIT, MALFOY! I’M BUSY!”

**oOo**

**_Tuesday, September 10th - Harry Potter and various portraits_ **

“Peace. Quiet. A cup of tea, a brilliant book, and—”

“Hermione? ...Why are you hitting your head on the desk?”

“No reason. Good morning, Harry. Who told you the new password?”

“Professor Dumbledore came into my office as I was grading this morning.”

“Professor Dumbledore....”

“Yes, Miss Granger?”

“Blindfold. Cotton. _Gag_. Do we understand one another?”

“It is always wise to have a friend with whom you can share your burdens, Miss Granger. Mr. Potter is just the sort of person you should rely on. And he is the deputy headmaster, after all.”

“I don’t NEED someone to rely on—no offense, Harry. I just want to sit in my office and read, uninterrupted, with a cup of tea and my own thoughts. Now, Professor Dumbledore. Do we understand one another or do I need to follow through on my threats?”

“I would listen to her, Albus.”

“Thank you, Minerva. I shall acquiesce to your desires from now on, Miss Granger.”

“Thank you, Professor. Good morning, Harry. Did I already say that?”

“You did.”

“Good morning regardless. What can I do for you?”

“Did you really put McMenace on probation?”

“He failed to show up to one of his classes because he was attempting to teach one of Zabini’s.”

“It’s the second week of school.”

“It’s the third week of him being a pain in my arse.”

“Why did you hire him again?”

“ _GRANGER_!”

“DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY, HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET MY NEW— **DUMBLEDORE**!”

**oOo**

**_Wednesday, September 11th - Harry Potter_ **

“Er—Hermione? Are you okay?”

“No. Why do you ask?”

“Your hair appears to be sparking at the ends.”

“Great. What do you want, Harry?”

“Smith is asking if we can put wards up around the Astronomy Tower.”

“McMenace?”

“Seamus. It appears he was testing another batch of fireworks and didn’t realize there was a class due at eleven last night. Why is your hair sparking?”

“George sent me a potion to drink when I wanted everyone to back off.”

“And?”

“And it apparently replicates the effects of electric shock.”

“So if I touched you....”

“You would be in the Hospital Wing alongside Professor Malfoy.”

“Yeesh. How long will it last for?”

“Not sure, although now I’m tempted to smack Seamus upside the head and see what happens.”

“Wouldn’t be the worst that’s ever happened to him. At least he’d keep his eyebrows. Er—is that Dumbledore’s portrait? Why is his head completely bound in cloth?”

**oOo**

**_Thursday, September 12th - Draco Malfoy_ **

“You told me you put WARDS up. Somehow, that implied to me that said wards would keep Professor Macmillan OUT of your classroom, not give him boils upon entry!”

“I’m surprised it took him this long to find out. I expected him to interrupt my class by Monday afternoon at the latest.”

“MALFOY.”

“Look, Granger, it’s your own fault that you assumed anything about the nature of my wards.”

“MY FAULT? I should not have to tell you that such antics are absolutely inappropriate work behaviour!”

“Granger—”

“No! Detention, tonight, my office.”

“Is this some new sort of roleplay?”

“Only if you consider creating a card catalogue for my library alongside Ron and Seamus ‘roleplay’.”

“Okay, Granger, you’ve officially lost it. One, I’m not attending detention. I’m thirty-three, not thirteen. Two, I’m not going anywhere near those explosive bastards. My first-year just got out of the Hospital Wing on Tuesday. Three, why the hell would you trust either of those morons near your precious books?”

“I am your headmistress and you will do as I say. Oh, don’t sneer at me, Draco, you’re _‘thirty-three, not thirteen_ ’. I promise that if tonight goes at all the way I expect, you will have been thoroughly entertained.”

“Fine, _Headmistress_. Anything else?”

“Yes. Twenty points from Slytherin for purposefully endangering another member of the staff.”

“YOU CAN’T TAKE POINTS FROM MEMBERS OF THE STAFF!”

“Why do you think Ravenclaw’s in the negatives?”

“Because McMenace was a Ravenclaw?”

“Hufflepuff, although you’re not too far off. Wait—no. Draco, I don’t like that look. _Draco_. DRACO! GET BACK HERE! IF I FIND OUT YOU ARE ENCOURAGING MORE BAD BEHAVIOUR, I WILL DRINK THAT POTION WHILE YOU ARE IN AN EXTREMELY VULNERABLE STATE!”

**oOo**

**_Friday, September 13th - Harry Potter_ **

“Harry, have you ever woken up _knowing_ the world was going to hell?”

“We lived through a war, Hermione. The answer should be obvious.”

“Touché. I might go back to living in a tent after this term is over. However, that’s not it. I just...I have a bad feeling about today.”

 

**_Forty-five minutes later - Theodore Nott_ **

“Why is the toast burnt? Are those—oh, that’s definitely unsanitary.”

“Uh, Professor Granger? Are the house-elves on strike?”

“That is an excellent question, Professor Nott. Please pardon me while I visit the kitchens. And can you gather the rest of the staff to vanish all of the kippers? Susan already has her hands full without students coming down with food poisoning.”

 

**_One hour later - Draco Malfoy_ **

“DRACO MALFOY, THIS ISN’T FUNNY!”

“Calm your hair, Granger, and look at it from my perspective. It’s uproarious.”

“The house-elves are threatening to quit!”

“That’s why you shouldn’t have freed them in the first place.”

“MALFOY!”

“It was just a bit of fun, Granger. Grow a sense of humour.”

“Suggesting to Macmillan that he might be able to advise the house-elves on food preparation is NOT. FUNNY. We have STUDENTS who could get SICK from eating this rubbish!”

“Any student stupid enough to eat what was presented at breakfast this morning deserves bonding time with Bones.”

 

**_Twenty minutes later - Harry Potter_ **

“So, Hermione, I was just walking by the Great Hall....”

“As one does when working at Hogwarts. What’s your point, Harry?”

“Why is Slytherin in the negatives?”

“Malfoy.”

 

**_Two blissfully quiet hours later - Justin Finch-Fletchley, Muggle Studies & Head of Hufflepuff_ **

“Miss Granger, I believe the Muggle Studies teacher is waiting outside to speak with you.”

“Thank you Minerva, I’ll buzz him in. ...Good morning Justin, what can I do for you?”

“Good morning, Hermione. Did you change the password already? I tried the one Dumbledore gave me on Tuesday.”

“I’ve actually removed the password except for use by the headmistress and deputy headmaster. All other staff and students must be let in by either Harry or myself. Now, what can I do for you?”

“I’d rather not get anyone in trouble, but has anyone else encountered issues with Ernie? ...Is that a checklist? Why are you crossing off my name?”

“You are officially the final member of the staff to register a complaint against Professor Macmillan. Dare I ask?”

“I caught him standing in the corridor, telling my students how to charm mobile phones for use within the castle.”

“While inadvisable, that’s not exactly against school rules.”

“He proceeded to explain what 098-numbers are.”

 

**_Six hours later - Ernie Macmillan_ **

“Professor Macmillan, you understand that you are on probation. Yes?”

“Yes, Headmistress, although I don’t think it’s quite fair when—”

“As such, you are aware that professors are expected to uphold a certain decorum?”

“Of course, Headmistress, but—”

“Professor Macmillan, can you please explain to me why two second-year Gryffindors were overheard discussing how to call into a sex line and avoid getting charged?”

“I’m as flabbergasted as you, Headmistress, I assure you.”

“I highly doubt that’s true, Professor, as your name was dropped more than once during the conversation. Consider this your second warning. If I hear anything like this again—inappropriate discussions among my students, interfering with your colleagues’ duties, _stepping foot_ in the kitchens, et cetera, you will be searching for other employment.”

“I—but—who would you get to teach Runes?”

“I’m sure Seamus Finnigan would be more than up to the task, and it would have the added bonus of keeping him away from flammables. All you have to do is focus on _your_ classes and _your_ students. Can you please reassure me that my faith in you is not misguided?”

“Yes, Headmistress, but can we please talk about Zacharias’s sixth-year Astronomy class? I’m concerned—”

“Two-and-a-half strikes, Professor. You are dismissed.”

“But—”

“DISMISSED.”

**oOo**

**_Sunday, September 15th - Pansy Parkinson, History of Magic_ **

“Parkinson. To what do I owe the pleasure at—two-eighteen in the morning?”

“You need to do something about Finnigan.”

“Can I do it after the sun has come up?”

“This is important, Granger! Last night, Ron and I were having a midnight snack of sorts—the kind involving chocolate syrup, if you catch my drift—”

“Parkinson, please keep in mind you are discussing my ex-husband. These are details I do not need to know.”

“But they’re pertinent! While we were indulging ourselves, we overheard a clamour from outside the classroom—”

“You were having sex in a CLASSROOM?”

“Don’t get all high and mighty on me, Granger. Daphne told me about the Restricted Section. Anyway, I’d just finished uncovering that freckle he has just north of his left—”

“PARKINSON.”

“—Sheesh, Granger. It’s two o’clock in the morning. Wake up the whole castle, why don’t you? Anyway, you know which freckle I’m talking about. Just after that, we heard this godawful sound in the corridor, so of course I peeked out the door to see what was going on and there was Finnigan with those two Hufflepuffs who were supposed to be in detention, playing keep-away on broomsticks with a Quaffle! And _then_ they must have seen the door crack open, so Finnigan threw the ball at the door to knock it open further—”

“Go away.”

“Excuse me?”

“Leave. Now. Because this must be a dream, and I refuse to dream about my caretaker and two students stumbling upon my History of Magic and Care of Magical Creatures professors having food-fetish sex in a classroom.”

“You’re missing the bigger picture here, Granger. Finnigan was endangering the students and caught me and Ron in the crossfire!”

“I am hard-pressed to believe that Seamus caused any more harm than the vision of you and Ron...oh, God.”

“So what are you going to do about him?”

“I’m going to fire the lot of you, that’s what.”

**_An hour and a half later - Draco Malfoy_ **

“ _Draco_. _Draco!_ _Wake_ _up!_ ”

“Nngh.”

“Draco!”

“Nnngh—ow! What is wrong with you, woman? That hurt!”

“I just had to Obliviate two Hufflepuffs because they saw Ron and Pansy getting friendly in a classroom near _your_ dungeons.”

“How friendly?”

“Friendly enough that I had to Obliviate them. Keep up.”

“What time is it?”

“So I was thinking about that boils hex you did, and I want to put it up all over the school so no one can enter classrooms after curfew without suffering serious consequences.”

“It is four in the morning, Granger.”

“You, Nott, Harry and I should get started right after breakfast, I think.”

“Nnngh.”

“Draco!”

“Go back to sleep, you crazy witch.”

“But—”

“ _Silencio. ..._ Ow!”

**oOo**

**_Monday, September 16th - Harry Potter_ **

“My darling Deputy Headmaster Potter, we have been officially drama-free for thirty-six hours. This calls for a toast.”

“Uh, Hermione? Are you gonna unbind Dumbledore any time soon? I mean, it’s been almost a week—”

“Nope.”

**oOo**

**_Tuesday, September 17th - Terry Boot, Draco Malfoy, Ronald Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, Seamus Finnigan, and Gregory Goyle_ **

“To be fair, Hermione—”

“To be _fair?_ To be FAIR? This is a SCHOOL! I should at the very least expect my staff to behave themselves! You are all adults, responsible for shaping the minds of Britain’s magical youth! I should not have to count the time between unacceptable incidents in HOURS!”

“Granger—”

“You and Malfoy have even less of an excuse than the rest of them, seeing as you’ve been on staff for _five years_ , Terry.”

“But McMenace—”

“No! Terry, ten points from Ravenclaw. Malfoy and Parkinson, twenty points from Slytherin. Ronald and Seamus, _fifty_ points from Gryffindor, and an additional twenty-five from Slytherin for Mr. Goyle.”

“But ‘Mione—”

“I SAID NO BLAST-ENDED SKREWTS, YOU BLAST-ENDED IDIOTS!”

**oOo**

**_Wednesday, September 18th - Blaise Zabini, Transfiguration_ **

“Zabini. Firewhisky.”

“Pardon?”

“Do you have any firewhisky?”

“Uh—Granger?”

“Dammit, Zabini, do you have any or not?”

“That depends on if I’m going to get in trouble.”

“ _That_ will depend on how much you let me drink.”

“I sense a story.”

“Does the name ‘McMenace’ mean anything to you?”

“Ah. Here, Granger. You might as well take the rest of the bottle.”

**oOo**

**_Thursday, September 19th - Neville Longbottom, Herbology & Head of Gryffindor_ **

“Professor Longbottom, I need to be _absolutely_ _clear_ on this matter: did you or did you not see Professor Macmillan enter the greenhouse when you went to re-pot the infant Mandrake?”

“I did not.”

“Thank you, Professor Longbottom. Now, aside from the unfortunate incident with Professor Macmillan, your transfer of the Mandrake appeared skillfully done from where I stood, so, let’s say...fifty points to Gryffindor.”

“Thank you, Professor Granger. Oh, and Hermione...happy birthday.”

 

**_Four hours later - Ernie Macmillan_ **

“Ernie, thank you for coming here straight away. I’m glad to see you woke up without incident.”

“Thank you, Headmistress. I must say, Longbottom should start putting up notices when he’s going to be working with Mandrakes—”

“You’re fired.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yesterday afternoon, you violated the terms of your probation yet again when I attended your seventh-year class, only to find out you were attending Professor Parkinson’s class. You’re a nosy, incompetent know-it-all and I want you out of my school.”

“But—you can’t do this!”

“You’ll find that I can. I have registered over thirty complaints over the last two weeks from staff and students alike with the board of governors. They signed your dismissal this morning.”

“But—why?”

“Consider it my birthday present to myself.”

**oOo**

**_Friday, December 20th - Harry Potter_ **

“Not a bad term overall, Hermione. I have to say I’m proud of you. Moving Seamus into the Ancient Runes position was a master stroke.”

“Why, thank you, Harry. It’s been almost two months since anything’s been set on fire by a member of the staff. I haven’t had to dock points from Draco or Terry since McMenace left. All of the House points are back in the positives. Pansy and Ron figured out how to keep their relationship in their own quarters, and students no longer sneak into classrooms for sordid deeds. To be honest, the hiring initiative didn’t turn out horribly.”

“About that—what possessed you to hire Ron, Parkinson, Goyle, Seamus, Dean, Daphne, Smith _and_ Macmillan all in a single year?”

“Honestly? I lost a bet with Draco.”

“You lost— _you made a bet that resulted in only hiring students from our year?_ What would have happened if Malfoy lost?”

“Nott would have become Head of Slytherin.”

“Evil.”

“So, Harry. Are you going to be tendering your resignation?”

“Nah. I like teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts. Besides, Ron finally managed to breed a pair of Blast-Ended Skrewts—”

“HE WHAT?”

“Joking. I’m joking. So, since you’re the bet-making type now, care to make a wager?”

“On what?”

“Hufflepuff winning the House Cup.”

“I’m listening.”

**_fin_ **


End file.
